For every ten jokes, thou hast got an hundred enemies.ﾂｬLaurence Sterne (1713-1768)
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.ﾂｬLarry Gelbart
I never had a sense of humor. What started me in a theatrical direction was finding at a very early age that I had a talent. I could impersonate chickens. Buk buk buk bacagh.ﾂｬJonathan Miller
The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that he is already degraded.ﾂｬGeorge Orwell (1903-1950)
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.ﾂｬGeorge Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.ﾂｬ[On his deathbed]ﾂｬEdmund Gween (1875-1959)
I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.ﾂｬCalvin Trillin
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.ﾂｬArthur Asher Miller
Wit is educated insolence.ﾂｬAristotle (384-322 BC)
Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse.ﾂｬRichard Sasuly
Nobody ever committed suicide who had a good two-year-old in the barn.ﾂｬRacetrack Proverb
One of the worst things that can happen in life is to win a bet on a horse at an early age.ﾂｬDanny McGoorty (1901-1970)
Your medical tests are in. You're short, fat and bald.ﾂｬZiggy (Tom Wilson)
The art of medicine, like that of war, is murderous and conjectural.ﾂｬVoltaire (1694-1778)
If you don't take care of your body, where will you live?ﾂｬUnknown
Avoid running at all time.ﾂｬSatchel Paige (1906?-1982)
I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.ﾂｬRodney Dangerfield
Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.ﾂｬRobert Orben
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.ﾂｬRobert Benchley (1889-1945)
I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.ﾂｬRichard Lewis
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.ﾂｬRedd Foxx
Good health makes the practice of virtue more difficult.ﾂｬJohn Bunyan (1628-1688)
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.ﾂｬJackie Mason
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch up my X-rays.ﾂｬHenny Youngman
How can I get sick? I've already had everything.ﾂｬGeorge Burns
I feel sorry for people who don't drink, because when they get up in the morning, they're not going to feel any better all day.ﾂｬFrank Sinatra
I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.ﾂｬFran Lebowitz
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.ﾂｬFletcher Knebel
I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.ﾂｬChauncey Depew (1834-1928)
Winston Churchill's habit of guzzling a quart or two a day of good cognac is what saved civilization from the Luftwaffe, Hegelian logic, Wagnerian love-deaths, and potato pancakes.ﾂｬCharles McCabe (1915-1983)
There is no happiness; there are only moments of happiness.ﾂｬSpanish Proverb
I am kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people are plotting to make me happy.ﾂｬJ.D. Salinger
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.ﾂｬGeorge Burns
Happiness is a Chinese meal; sorrow is a nourishment forever.ﾂｬCarolyn Kizer
I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair.ﾂｬTom Sharp
You're only as good as your last haircut.ﾂｬSusan Lee
It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.ﾂｬWinston Churchill (1874-1965)
I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a congressman.ﾂｬWill Rogers (1879-1935)
Politics is applesauce.ﾂｬWill Rogers (1879-1935)
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.ﾂｬUnknown
An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie for his country.ﾂｬSir Henry Wotton (1568-1639)
If it were not for the government, we would have nothing to laugh at in France.ﾂｬNicolas Chamfort (1741-1794)
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.ﾂｬHenry Kissinger
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.ﾂｬH.L. Mencken (1880-1956)
Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.ﾂｬFrank Dane
Vote early and vote often.ﾂｬAl Capone (1899-1947)
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.ﾂｬWill Rogers (1879-1935)
We are here on earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know.ﾂｬW.H. Auden (1907-1973)
Do television evangelists do more than lay people?ﾂｬStanley Ralph Ross
If there is a supreme being, he's crazy.ﾂｬMarlene Dietrich
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.ﾂｬJack Kerouac (1922-1969)
God created man, but I could do better.ﾂｬErma Bombeck
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.ﾂｬElayne Boosler
Sin is geographical.ﾂｬBertrand Russell (1872-1970)
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.ﾂｬAlbert Einstein (1879-1955)
Man is certainly stark mad. He cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by the dozen.ﾂｬMontaigne (1553-1592)
If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No."ﾂｬMargaret "Stevie" Smith (1902-1971)
The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle. Unless you die of something.ﾂｬGuindon cartoon
Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.ﾂｬRobin Williams
The waist is a terrible thing to mind.ﾂｬZiggy(Tom Wilson)
Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.ﾂｬZero Mostel (1915-1977)
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead-not sick, not wounded-dead.ﾂｬWoody Allen
My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.ﾂｬWinston Churchill (1874-1965)
Eating an artichoke is like getting to know someone really well.ﾂｬWilli Hastings
Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.ﾂｬWallace Irwin (1875-1959)
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.ﾂｬVariously ascribed
Plant carrots in January, and you'll never have to eat carrots.ﾂｬUnknown
A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on the table after you eat.ﾂｬUnknown
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet.ﾂｬUnknown
I have learned to spell hors d'oeuvres,ﾂｬWhich grate on many people's nervesﾂｬUnknown
You are where you eat.ﾂｬUnknown
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.ﾂｬTotie Fields (1931-1978)
I can get along with anybody...provided they're fat.ﾂｬSusan Richman
I don't eat snails. I prefer fast food.ﾂｬStrange de Jim
Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.ﾂｬStorm Jameson
Eat as much as you like-just don't swallow it.ﾂｬSteve Burns
Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.ﾂｬSophia Loren
Where do you go to get anorexia?ﾂｬShelley Winters
Some people like to eat octopus. Liberals, mostly.ﾂｬRussell Baker
When compelled to cook, I produce a meal that would make a sword swallower gag.ﾂｬRussell Baker
I prefer my oysters fried;ﾂｬThat way I know my oysters died.ﾂｬRoy G. Blount, Jr.
It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.ﾂｬRoseanne Barr
I asked the clothing store clerk if she had anything to make me look thinner, and she said, "How about a week in Bangladesh?"ﾂｬRoseanne Barr
No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.ﾂｬRobert Morley
Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.ﾂｬRobert Byrne
Cognito ergo dim sum. (Therefore I think these are pork buns.)ﾂｬRobert Byrne
Come in, or we'll both starve.ﾂｬRestaurant Sign
A louse in the cabbage is better than no meat at all.ﾂｬPennyvania Dutch Proverb
Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what's for lunch.ﾂｬOrson Welles (1915-1985)
I hate to eat and eat and eat and run.ﾂｬNeila Ross
I eat merely to put food out of my mind.ﾂｬN.F. Simpson
Diets are mainly food for thought.ﾂｬN. Wylie Jones
Continental breakfasts are very sparse. My advice is to go right to lunch without pausing.ﾂｬMiss Piggy
The cherry tomato is a marvelous invention, producing as it does a satisfactorily explosive squish when bitten.ﾂｬMiss Manners (Judith Martin)
The key to a successful restaurant is dressing girls in degrading clothes.ﾂｬMichael O'Donoghue
[Fortune Cookie] Your request for no MSG was ignored.ﾂｬMerla Zellerbach
The food in Yugoslavia is either very good or very bad. One day they served us fried chains.ﾂｬMel Brooks
To eat is humanﾂｬTo digest divine.ﾂｬMark Twain (1835-1910)
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.ﾂｬMark Twain (1835-1910)
Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?ﾂｬMarilyn Monroe (1926-1962)
I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.ﾂｬKatherine Cebrian
It's so beautifully arranged on the plate-you know someone's fingers have been all over it.ﾂｬ[On nouvelle cuisine]ﾂｬJulia Child
Never eat anything whose listed ingredients cover more than one-third of the package.ﾂｬJoseph Leonard
In Mexico we have a name for sushi: bait.ﾂｬJose Simon
I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.ﾂｬJohn Mortimer
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.ﾂｬJim Eason
Eternity is two people and a roast turkey.ﾂｬJames Dent
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.ﾂｬJames Beard
Nachman's Rule: When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.ﾂｬGerald Nachman
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.ﾂｬGeorge Miller
There is no love sincerer than the love of food.ﾂｬGeorge Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.ﾂｬGarfield (Jim Davis)
When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.ﾂｬGail Sheehy
Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.ﾂｬG.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pound. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.ﾂｬErma Bombeck
Miss Piggy is a boar.ﾂｬEd Lucaire
The food in Yugoslavia is fine if you like pork tartar.ﾂｬEd Begley, Jr.
When Emperor Constantine turned Christian, he banned the eating of sausage, which of course immediately created a whole army of sausage bootleggers and may explain why Al Capone always looked like a sausage.ﾂｬDonald E. Westlake
I believe that eating pork makes people stupid.ﾂｬDavid Steinberg
I no longer prepare food or drink with more than one ingredient.ﾂｬCyra McFadden
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.ﾂｬCovert Bailey
Never order anything in a vegetarian restaurant that ordinarily would have meat in it.ﾂｬColonel Tom Parker
I'm on a grapefruit diet. I eat everything but grapefruit.ﾂｬChi Chi Rodriques
You can find your was across the country using hamburger joints the way a navigator uses stars.ﾂｬCharles Kuralt
I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require so much cooking.ﾂｬCarrie Snow
I'm in favor of liberalizing immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants. I'd let just about everybody in except the English.ﾂｬCalvin Trillin
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.ﾂｬCalvin Trillin
Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucini, but sharing the burden of finding the fettucini restaurant in the first place.ﾂｬCalvin Trillin
Anybody who doesn't think that the best hamburger place in the world is in his home town is a sissy.ﾂｬCalvin Trillin
We didn't starve, but we didn't eat chicken unless we were sick, or the chicken was.ﾂｬBernard Malamud (1914-1986)
The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it.ﾂｬAndrew A. Rooney
The most dangerous food is wedding cake.ﾂｬAmerican Proverb
Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.ﾂｬLet it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak.ﾂｬEat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it.ﾂｬAllan Shivers
Do not make a stingy sandwichﾂｬPile the cold-cuts highﾂｬCustomers should see salamiﾂｬComing through the rye.ﾂｬAllan Sherman (1924-1973)
Only Irish coffee provided in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.ﾂｬAlex Levine
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat meat unless someone else pays for it.ﾂｬAl Clethan
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.ﾂｬA. Whitney Brown
If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.ﾂｬRobert Pante
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.ﾂｬOscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Every generation laughs at the old fashions but religiously follow the new.ﾂｬHenry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.ﾂｬGilda Radner
Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.ﾂｬWilliam Feather
My parents have been visiting me for a few days. I just dropped them off at the airport. They leave tomorrow.ﾂｬMargaret "Stevie" Smith (1902-1971)
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.ﾂｬJerry Seinfeld
It behooves a father to be blameless if he expects his son to be.ﾂｬHomer (c 1000 BC)
To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: When you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.ﾂｬErnest Hemingway (1899-1961)
The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.ﾂｬE.B. White (1899-1985)
In order to influence a child, one must be careful not to be that child's parent or grandparent.ﾂｬDon Marquis (1878-1937)
Any father whose son raises his hand against him is guilty of having produced a son who raised his hand against him.ﾂｬCharles Pﾃｩguy (1873-1914)
A married man with a family will do anything for money.ﾂｬCharles Maurice de Talleyrand-Perigord (1754-1838)
My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years.ﾂｬCathy Ladman
Parents are not interested in justice, they are interested in quiet.ﾂｬBill Cosby
You should have seen what a fine-looking man he was before he had all those children.ﾂｬArapesh tribesman
Parenthood remains the greatest single preserve of the amateur.ﾂｬAlvin Toffler (c 1971)
They want me on all the television shows now because I did so well on "Celebrity Assholes."ﾂｬSteve Martin
Every hero becomes a bore at last.ﾂｬRalph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
I don't like Diane Keaton anymore. She's had way too much therapy.ﾂｬPatricia Wentz-Daly
People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.ﾂｬJerry Lewis
You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.ﾂｬJay Leno
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it's their fault.ﾂｬHenry Kissinger
A celebrity is a person known to many people he is glad he doesn't know.ﾂｬH.L. Mencken (1880-1956)
In her last days, Gertrude Stein resembled a spoiled pear.ﾂｬGore Vidal
I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.ﾂｬWoody Allen
Everyone should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.ﾂｬVariously ascribed
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.ﾂｬMark Twain (1835-1910)
It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis.ﾂｬMargaret Bonnano
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.ﾂｬJames Thurber (1894-1961)
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.ﾂｬHerb Caen
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.ﾂｬCharles Schultz
A closed mouth gathers no feet.ﾂｬUnknown
Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.ﾂｬRobert Orben
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.ﾂｬMark Twain (1835-1910)
It was such a primitive country we didn't even see any joggers.ﾂｬHamilton cartoon
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.ﾂｬErma Bombeck
I don't jog. If I die I want to be sick.ﾂｬAbe Lemons
The trouble with England is that it's all pomp and no circumstance.ﾂｬ"Beat the Devil" (1954)
Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.ﾂｬIrwin Edman (1896-1954)
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.ﾂｬHenry Kissinger
I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.ﾂｬGore Vidal
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theatre.ﾂｬGail Godwin
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.ﾂｬDerek Bok
To drink is a Christian diversion, unknown to the Turk or the Persian.ﾂｬWilliam Congreve (1670-1729)
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk, they are sober.ﾂｬWilliam Butler Yeats (1865-1939)
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.ﾂｬW.C. Fields (1880-1946)
Inflation has gone up over a dollar a quart.ﾂｬW.C. Fields (1880-1946)
'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.ﾂｬW.C. Fields (1880-1946)
An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.ﾂｬUnknown
A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.ﾂｬUnknown
An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout.ﾂｬUnknown
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.ﾂｬTom Waits
A drinker has a hole under his nose that all his money runs into.ﾂｬThomas Fuller (1608-1661)
The less I behave like Whistler's mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.ﾂｬTallulah Bankhead (1903-1968)
Drunkenness is the ruin of reason. It is premature old age. It is temporary death.ﾂｬSt. Basil (330?-379?)
They talk of my drinking but never my thirst.ﾂｬScottish Proverb
I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.ﾂｬRichard Burton
I drink no more than a sponge.ﾂｬRabelais (1494-1553)
Beware of the man who does not drink.ﾂｬProverb
I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.ﾂｬPhil Harris
